When Hugs Hurt

When Hugs Hurt Emotionally…For some of us, hugs hurt. Some associate hugs with warm love and friendship. In my life at the moment, a hug usually comes from someone who hurt me just wrapping their arms around me like a big sad Band-Aid.  I’m sure they are hoping this moment of whatever weird bonding we’re doing erases the pain they have inflicted upon me. It’s a little wrap of temporary forgiveness that feels disingenuousness. It’s just sad. I don’t want t to feel this way.

The emotional pain of a hug comes from decades of this repeated action. It’s not from one person. It’s pretty much my entire family, except my dad. I rarely received random “love hugs” as a child, teen, or adult. They were foreign to me until I met my husband in 2005.

My husband’s hugs used to be different than the rest of them, and now they are becoming the same as the others. I know I let you down. I didn’t follow through. I’m not helping you. I’m sorry I don’t know what to do, etc. Another temp Band-Aid for another thing not followed through on.

Right now, my life is full of stress, disappointment, and pain. It all hurts. I slept on the couch in my basement last night. It was the best sleep I’ve had in years. I woke up early in the morning, around 3 AM, and contemplated going to my bed.  Nope, I don’t want to. I’m done in that bed. It’s not mine. I hate it. It’s too cold. The window next to the bed is broken. A steady cool breeze just flows year-round. The sheets are too cold. I hate sheets. The blankets are smooth and cold too. The bed is not a warm and cozy place. It’s a cold place that sparks anger and disappointment.

I’m moving to my cozy purple couch. Where the fabric is fuzzy and soft. It feels good on my skin. There are no sheets. The blankets can be warm and fuzzy. Never has it felt so good to sleep alone on my cozy couch in the basement. I close my eyes and all the crap surrounding me temporarily disappears. It’s a little piece of bliss.

Jaylee ~ April 24, 2024